( i think it was April 18 )

play Othello!

★　★★　★★　★★　★★　★★　★★　★

he said he not mind playing on the email. and said want to play.

but end up, he actually never play it before  ~.~

★　★★　★★　★★　★★　★★　★★　★

later, IKU chan saw us and came join us. she is interesting.

saying over there was girl dinner and all 20s and they were talking about love and she said she not interested. haha!!!!

she said she is 上手。

she seriously came to check out hkb! haha.

she said she knew him and he said he knew her cause they met in kitchen before and they were praising each other’s cooking when i told IKU hkb is good at cooking, too.

and IKU said, hkb should go to the cooking lesson cause and he sure would be モテる！！！hahahahaha!

★　★★　★★　★★　★★　★★　★★　★

first she saw me and hkb play.

then later i make her play with hkb and i am the advisor of him since he is still beginner.

then hkb insisted i played with IKU.

★　★★　★★　★★　★★　★★　★★　★

and when IKU was talking to him, he replied like she is 姉さん！

はいって、ますますって！ so funny!

he even called IKU 姉さん!

★　★★　★★　★★　★★　★★　★★　★

when i suggested it is bed time, we packed and IKU helped us to put the BIG Othello back to the shelf, and hkb followed me back to upstairs.

when parted, i saw he had a smile on his face. how cute ~ ★

( i think it was April 15 )

try to tell him to meet me in study room …

★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

he does not know where so i told him to meet me at 自動販売機。

(and i was SOOO surprised, he welcomed me with a HUGE smile, i really did not expect that, さすが my hk fellow, i beg he must be very happy to have a real buddy here)

★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

end up later in Theatre room, …

go inside and saw MASA playing instrument! how ccool. then when he finished we went in to check the place out. cannot believe hkb never been there before! he told me.

★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

then outside of Theatre room, in the corridor, …

then being seen by K, and then … ~.~  (he dressed in such beautiful casual suit and … nice waxing … how come before i have never seen it, that hurts… SIGH. life sucks, isn’t it? don’t know why when i see him like this, just made me immediately 胡思亂想, it hurts so much just to imagine the reason behind his dressing well …)

★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

then, later end up in smoking room, …

and a bunge of people came.

first TARO, then TAKE, then, CRA and NAO!

yes, 偶然に all boys ね。

TARO just had to keep saying chinese! hahaha! so funny! his name is 吉野。and i kept telling hkb to speak mandarin to TARO.

then CRA came, and started talking about my tax, since i sent him email about asking his US friend about turbotax ><

then NAO came, and looking for convenient cigarette, that is the FUNNY part. we ALL have NO cigar! me and hkb went there to talk, CRA went there cause he thought i would be there and so he went in to answer my mail, NAO 多分 hear my voice and thought we had cigar to offer so went in to try his luck.

so when NAO asked if we had cigar and we said NONE, and he asked funnily “why are we all here?” HAHAHAHAHA!!!! and each of us explained WHY, that is super hilarious!

★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

tonight, me and hkb kept talking, and was all good.

i told him i was from US and he was very surprised and smiled big!

and he also heard me speaking ENG to CRA and he seemed a little impressed …

and later when NAO asked me about the tax thing and i had to tell NAO i am a US citizen and NAO was SUPER surprised … and he immediately added “that must be tough …”   ~~~   so happy he understand.

★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

so in ONE night, hkb saw ALL the Japanese that can speak mandarin and met almost all my male friends.   ~   A M A Z I N G

★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

and later when i back to my room, hkb said want to learn ENG from me.

for someone that lived in US for so long, of course we ourselves do not see what so interesting about being an American citizen, but i guess because i am an Asian so people gets to be surprised sometimes.

funny, yes i only met this little friend 3 times.

and the 2nd and 3rd time he seemed happy.

(should be April 8)

1st time i met him, miyamura 紹介してくれたんだ。。。優しいミラム。even though there is 1 厳しい person said ミラム seemed to have no life of his own, but ミラム’s 気持ち i cannot say i don’t understand. he experienced so much pain and can still have this nice character i think he is 偉い。

oops, main topic, he was cooking so i went to kitchen to meet him. miyamu introduced. and we talked while he was cooking, but hkb kept 振り返って, even though i told him he does not have to わざわざ、turn his head all the time just to talk to me! 母語だから！向こうの顔を見なくても大丈夫！

so we talked about his name, about what he usually does every day, about his school and friends, … etc. like no secrets.

the most impressive thing is, when we walked together to go back upstairs, right before the door in the lounge, suddenly Masashi called me and tried to talk to me (he was telling me he would be practicing violin and cello and see if i want to join, but i planned to go 溝の口 buy things so i turned him down) and it took a little while, but hkb so kind and he waited, even though his hand full of the food he just cooked! … how nice.

sometimes, things can be really out of perspectives.

sometimes, things can also turn out to be something you never thought it would …

思ったより違うだって、そういうこと。

若者との縁、全員の香港の友達が帰国してから、きっと終わったと思ってたけれど、結局まだまだ、終わらない。。。

recently, i finally met the other ONLY hk person that lives here in Tama. Gosh he is 未成年 。。。when miyamu told me his age, i was like … 友達になれません, will he understand my words? 。。。と思ってしまった。。。

でも、一応会いたい。珍しいだから、たまに、本当に広東語を喋りたい。

会って、i realized he looked different than his facebook photo, haha! so funny!

then, after i met him the 2nd time, the 3rd time, it gets better and better. and he also seems happy hanging around with me!

だって、after the first time we met, he already messaged me, 不思議って 。。。不可思議的感覺,  he said.

雖然我並沒有超級覺得不可思議,  but i do like spending time with him.

and the MOST important thing is, he gave me what i have been looking for ALL ALONG, 家族ってというか, someone who can message back and forth with me everyday and can let me say whatever i want even though those are very very small daily things >< … no matter what time of the day, and can feel sort of the same way as i do but not just repeating what i said.

and his returning mail is SOOO fast, LOVE IT!  really makes me feel like i am not alone in the world.

he said something very funny, even though we met only 2 times sounds like we have already known each other for 2 years. (that reminds me what bill said about his wife and …)

and there is 1 thing he said that really surprised me, he mentioned, “because you cannot get much 親情, that is why you always feel so in need of 感情 from other non-blood-related people.”

he is very correct, despite of his age.

next week, 久し振り i do not have to do the lessons, maybe i can have more fun with the people around.
i really thought about doing something that is more creative, but mostly, i just end up hanging around with the people around me, cause they are entertaining to a certain level. just like my roommate, i never imagine she can be so 自然に似合う with me.
but i do miss him every single day.
she also hear sooo much about him from me.

ever since not being with you, there is no one i want to take photos of …
sometimes i even think, there is no need to take cameras with me anymore. but i still take it with me most of the time, afraid there be some “emergency” situation.
friday night, i was soooo tired of the situation at work and got to drink with someone, lucky when i went to the lounge i already see someone i know. so i ended up drinking with them.
saturday night, i was preparing the pancake for roommate and i saw craig and he invited me, but i did not say anything. then later, when i had the mood to drink, because of some non-welcomed person, the party separated into 2 groups. i would like to stay with my good male friend, and he was showing me the SIRI app, it was so cute ^^. he told me to talk on the iphone and the iphone really respond!

but later the other party invited so i had to go to the other one cause i know that group a little longer. but the whole time i was SMS back and forth with him it was interesting.
i love SMS … なんか繋がってる感じ
and there are history i can always look back and think about the sweet words …
but i guess those history means nothing when someone just does not love you anymore …

i want to be someone that would return my SMS right away every time i message him.
no matter how many years have passed.
because most of the time, when a person said, he could not mail because he was busy, because he was blah blah blah, it was all just excuse …

are we just wasting the time that we actually could have been very happy and enjoying each others’ company … but instead, we are doubting about each others’ feeling … afraid of losing face … afraid of getting hurt.

i still think we are 似合う。

because we are completely different. and we can communicate. not like how i am with other people.

i miss you …

recently, it is true that i have made more new male friends, but the more i am with other people, the more i miss him … he is so cute …

外表上、one may wonder, if you care, why not message?

the thing is, because it hurts.

if i initiate, and if he not responds, then i will get hurt just like before, right? going crazy and wonder why he ignores me.

at least now, when he last time mailed me, i immediately responded, that is good of me, right?

hope i can prove to him that i actually WILL RESPOND, as long as he initiate …

the reason why i did not pick up the phone the first time, was because i was afraid i might hear things i not want to hear. i was not ready.

not that i am ready now, but at that time, i was definitely very shocked and もっと not ready!

BUT, just because i not pick up, just because i was still angry with him, does not mean that i not miss him …

maybe in his case, it is different, but in my case, it is not …

In short, 諦めたい。

很氣憤，我連解釋自己的行為或商量的機會都沒有。

就是因為我嘗試喜歡他，怕他自己沒信心，他就這麼得意洋洋，說甚麼我喜歡他太多，覺得重，。。。
誰都會認為這是個不能承受責任的人吧。

有別人喜歡自己，而如果自己也有興趣，享受這些 “被愛” 就可以吧。

說甚麼已不想親密，要像朋友一樣 。。。真的諷刺到令我感惡心。簡直就是和我說，你一點魅力也沒有吧。

真的越想就越覺得過份，越想就越覺不服。

只是因為種種原因，令我有過份的行為，為甚麼不早幾個月認真和我說？不早幾個月認真和我相談？

連給時間我解釋，一齊尋找處理方法，給時間我去改善一下, …  甚麼都完全沒有。

以為自己甚麼都不直說，全世界都一定會知道你在想甚麼嗎？

真的以為這世界一定有這樣的人嗎？

在這短短的人生，真正喜歡自己的人已經不多，不但不珍惜，只會覺得 “太多太重”，這不是反賤嗎？
換句話說，這是不成熟的表現，太易得到，不需珍惜。

我真笨，以往就算有男的約自己單獨外出，無論是多好看和有趣，都會拒絕，誤以為這是專一，正所謂己所不用，勿施於人，覺得，如果自己看到男友和別的女孩單獨在一起，自己也不自在吧。

怎麼會知道這世上的男性，你越LOYAL越簡單他們反為越不在乎你，真的不知所謂。

以後我絕不會再有這愚蠢的想法，無論最初你以為怎樣好的人，最後也會對別的人有興趣，對不起自己吧。值得自己100％專一的人，恐怕是不存在的，因為他們全都是男，無論外表怎麼不好看，男的就是這樣，真是可悲致極。

既然你竟然這樣自以為是，這樣不在乎你身邊最關心你的人，不懂珍惜身邊的一切，我也看不出有甚麼理由叫自己去繼續接受你，去接受一個我原本根本不太喜歡的人。認識你後，以為你和其他人不一樣，原來也只不過如此。

失望到極點。

我不在，每天很快樂吧，以為和我一起沒自由吧。
我就自那天後每天都不知怎樣。

真的越想越不憤。算吧，那你繼續你的自由自在。
這個世界不是只得你一個男生的。

既然你可以這麼狠當我不存在，
我也會同樣的對待你。

さよなら, i hate you, the person who made me suffer at the last.

この世に、二人が一緒にいる時楽しいなんて、こんなこと、あまりそんなたくさんじゃないと思う。家族とか、友達とか、特に恋人。

ドキドキの感覚があれば、それはもちろんボナスと思うけど、私は最初からもドキドキの感覚がなくても、この一年間嬉しいと思う。理由は、恋愛の関係は、最初どんなたくさんドキドキがあっても、いつか、きっとだんだん少なくとも少なくなるはず。べつに悪いことと思わない。

自分と超似合う人がいるはず、一秒でも思わない。でも、８０−９０％くらいでもいいじゃないのかなぁと思ってしまう。

人間は生まれてからもう別々の個体で、性格、習慣、育て来た環境、言葉、色々全く違うし、二人が一緒にいる時、問題が現せる時、ちゃんと厳しく詳しくて話さずに、お互いに教えてくれないと、関係が良くなると思えません。

この世に７兆の総人口の中で、君と出会ってお互いに好きになって、あなたは、それでも珍しいと思わないのかなぁ 。。。偶然だけってと思うのかなぁ 。。。簡単に捨てても構わないと思うのかなぁ 。。。

時間はいつも私の天敵である存在している、多分私だけではなく、皆も、いつも一番嬉しくて幸せ時間に止めることができません。

一生できません。

生きていてから今まで、苦しい度に、何回も繰り返してアノ一番幸せ時に戻せばいいなぁと思ってしまう。何故か嬉しい時間はいつも短いんだろう？

昔、何でも分からなかった時代に、何でも満足できなかった時代に、 幸せとは一応試して、とても素晴らしくて、短くても嬉しいことだ、それもう十分の幸せだと思ってしまいました。短い嬉しさは幸せと思ってしまいました。

違います。もの凄く。

もっと生きてきて、それくらいようやく分かってきた。

短い嬉しさは、どれくらい素晴らしくても、幸せとは言えません。本当の嬉しさは、毎日幸せと思うそういうことです。

普通けれど、幸せなんてそんなことがあります。

この頃、今幸せと思う人が絶対にいるはず。

ただ、今の私は、幸せなんて全く言えません。

ずっとどうやって長く時間そんな気持ちを掴むことを考えていたけど、最近は絶対あのゴールまで、モット遠くなってしまう。

私の一部の大げさの性格のセイで、遠くなってしまう。

許してくれないのかなぁ。

軽く遊び言葉と気持ちをしなく、相手のことをリスペクトして普通の人間としてもう一度 。。。

映画 Matrix の中で、一つの言葉は　” この世界は、悲しさがなし、嬉しさもなし、でもこんな世界は、人間がいられない、全員はすぐ死んでしまいました。”

昔の私にとって、この言葉が響けなかった。

昔の超嬉しさと超悲しさを受けてしまった私は、この言葉の本当の意味が分からなかった。９０％の嬉しさを受けたら、きっと９０％の悲しさを待ってる。

今から、生きてるため３０％の二つを受けても大丈夫かなぁ、君と一緒かぎり。。。