he always wonders why, …

… why i always take so many photos,

because no one ever knows, when i will have the chance to see this again; and even though u go there again, the person next to you can also never be the same.

PLUS, my memory is poor.  見られないと覚えられない。

all these are from Disney Sea last year. the beginning of Jan.

you might find it very strange, how come all these photos,
not one picture with the person that i went with,
yes, i intentionally did not take his photo.
i have 10,000 of the above, but not 1 he was in it.

一年だけ、たくさん変わってきた。

何故だのかなぁ〜

今、逆に、

相手は think it is 重い, but isn’t it that he just took it too seriously?

long time ago, one friend used to tell me …

“do you realize that, people do not know if you ARE joking, or you ARE NOT …”

that was a surprise, i never know people not know, i thought it was OBVIOUS when i was kidding / exaggerating …

same here, in order to try to make the other party feel good, at first i tried to say all the things that gives him 自信、安心、好きになりたかったですから、だんだん、もっと慣れてきて、言葉もっとおおげさになって、わがままみたいになって 。。。

何故か好きになりたかったんだろう？

私の人生の中でけっこう一番落ち込んでいた時、彼は現せて、he brings a little color and brought me to see things i always have wanted to see, … even though i do admit at that time, i really wished it were someone else, but later on, だんだん感動してきた 。。。

だから、later on, i also want to show my appreciation by doing something, and that is … by telling him things i thought that would make him feel good, would make him not to worry about how i feel about him, to make him feel someone cares about him …

( でも、そんなこと、本当に永遠のことですか？

明らかでしょう？しばらくのことなんて、

這些都是，日子久了，就不需要再說的東西。だんだん, 我也會覺得說也沒趣, but when i realized maybe i needed more time to spend on my own thing, when i tried to stop mailing for a while, someone stopped me earlier than i stopped myself from these habits … )

but i was wrong, males obviously do not need that even from the beginning …

大げさな言葉、役に立たない 。。。

大げさな行動、実は面白くない 。。。

面白いと思ってたのに、実は相手にとって、面白くなかった。

それは、本当にすみません。誤解しましたのね。

私も相手に誤解された。

the way he said things to me, it just like how my ex. was right before he left me.

ただ、it was in a much smaller scale. because the years were also much fewer.

i do not think for one moment it is only temp., because once someone is not around for ANY reasons, and refused to EVEN work it out with me gradually/seriously, sit down, talk like an adult, and tell me he wants to fix our relationship, so it can last longer, but instead, he just told me what he wants and left.

i do not think for one moment it is only temp., because even though when he come back in the future, how can you possibly like him remembering what he did to you this time?

he obviously gave you no chance and not care about how you feel, right?

how sad and disappointed.

if he does not come up with this conclusion all by himself, i don’t know what type of silly friends he has been hanging around with, but obviously they are not telling him anything constructive.

how wasteful, if you are still happy with someone, why not sit down and talk seriously and try to work it out?

isn’t that childish not to even know how to do this?

if you really do not care, you might as well said,
“今から、私たち一生会わなくてもいいです。一生一緒のチャンスが絶対ないですから。no matter what your reasons are for your behavior, whether they are only temp. or long-term, i have no interests in knowing why, or trying to let you fix it. because i have absolutely no interests in you and just want to give you up.”

それでいいんじゃない？

私は今までも恋愛のことまだ全くわかりません。

so i did some research online (日本語で), 初めて日本語で恋愛の悩みのため …

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

… こういうタイプの男性は追われると逃げたくなる人ではないでしょうか。

( まぁ … 男だけじゃないのかなぁ、… i think this whole world, if you treat someone too nice, they will use that and 逆に be not nice to you … except me. however, too bad, in this world, no one really values me in that way, that is why i am always so alone … )

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

… 追えば男は女を捨てて逃げる！

( interesting comment … i guess i am too easy, 追われても too lazy to 逃げる, 必要がないし、と思ってね … まぁ、私は残念ですけど、男じゃないからさ )

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

… ＞重い
この言葉を言う人とは残念ながら将来はないと思う

(でも、私べつに将来のこと考えていないけど…, 結婚なんても興味もないし, but if the author meant, any boyfriend, if they say 重い to their girlfriend, this guy is just a person that wants no responsibility = they will be around when you are healthy, they will disappear when you are sick … then, i think i might have to rethink about something … )

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

なのに、なんで。。。なんで思わなかったこと言われたのかなぁ。。。

turns out, after he said something shocking to me on SUN night (Jan 29), i got so shocked and weak, the whole night i could not sleep, shivering and crying all night, thinking we are no more. my heartbeat went super fast and i woke up after only 2-3 hours of sleep and could not go back to sleep again. my roommate said … 罪深いって。。。一生忘れない。。。

MON, i took one day off. PM went to immigration to renew my visa. i was so sad while i was in the immigration. last year, when i had no real job, i was so grateful that the boy, who i just started being with, cared so much about my staying here or not. 感動した。 now, this year when i was in immigration, he did not even know that i was there (in immigration), i doubt if he even care if i can stay in japan or not now …

TUE, i went to work and my boss told me to see the doctor. and on the way to the clinic i already knew i got something … when i arrived i felt fever already … chill all over my body … in the clinic, the nurses told me, “インフルエンザでしたって”, i was super shocked, after all, i took the vaccine だよ！2000円で、勿体ない！the doctor said i belonged to the 60% that does not help even took the 注射。

but thanks to the sickness, i could finally sleep and stopped the shock from him for 1 night. cause my head hurt so bad i could not think of anything.

WED, THUR (today) stay home, … only later today i could go convenience store to buy tofu and more lotion tissues.

◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎

i was so hurt and sick there were 4 days i could not eat anything …

but luckily, i bought mineral water from the Amazon Japan for the first time last week, who would have known, this week, turns out i can drink HALF the box of the NATURAL MINERAL WATER … from Italy, without them i have no water in my room and had to walk far away to boil water and wait and boil more … and spread my germs while my body was so weak … not a good idea, right?

sigh. なぜか、私が辛い時、いつもそばに誰もいないのかなぁ〜

べつに、誰かいれば助かると思わないけど、でも、一番気になる人はいつも自分の悩みとか分からなくて、なんか寂しくてガッカリする気持ち堪らなく。。。

this past Christmas, i was being 贅沢 to others.  the above are the Christmas cards i finally can afford buying and sending them to others.

and it also include 2 baby cards.

this is the red one, from Sanrio, isn’t that cute? nice design! i sent one to each of my siblings.

this is the card that i sent to my dear cousins, they are so super strong and nice, even though they were born super poor … i have always admire and adore them. even with so much difficulties in life, they seem to be way much happier than i am, or many other families.

i also have one more of this sent to my best friend, the one that let me stay in HK while i had no where to go …

this one i sent it to my good friend in HK, i met her in japan. she is so darn clever and capable in many ways, i wish i can be as efficient as her. plus, she is super beautiful.

i sent one to each of my siblings, cause they both are “baby on board” ~~~ congratulations.  it surprises me how fast they grow.  i guess the one that cannot grow is just me.  even though i have zero interests in creating families, but i guess it is a good thing to have a baby.  esp. since my bro and sis are good people.  i guess the DNA they pass on should be ok, right?

as for me, i wish i can live on without having to go through this process, since day 1 i have never liked my own DNA, and i think it would be a disaster to force this onto the next generation, that child, would end up hating me, just like how i resent my own parent sometimes.  if fortunately, he/she can be like the one i love (my 相手), that would be great, however, currently, i don’t have anyone, obviously.

let’s look at things that does not make all of us going crazy and frustrated!

this is one piece of wonderful bread. from Lawson 100.

this is 1 rare jelly from the SUPERMARKET here.

it does taste great but i think it is kind of expensive … like the ones in convenient store. 厳選って、it does seem like it.  but the last time i tried to look for it again, they already no longer carry it … i doubt if it sold well.

the scenery i took.

if strength is given, i would really want to just make him NOT part of my main life anymore.

this is not the first time. once in a while, he just have to surprise me with EXTREMELY COLD WORDS, words you canNOT even imagine, well, at least i can’t.

maybe someone with a thick face can withhold this.

sorry i cannot.

but since i enjoy being with this human so i always thought and felt it is worthy.

but maybe, now come to think of it, maybe, he is just like a “escape place” for me while i want to escape from improving the language!

cause it is so darn troublesome.

但是這並不是長遠嘅解決辦法. 問題始終都係要面對 …

also, we should forget the people that do not love us, that makes complete sense.

people that love themselves way more than yourself, those type too, we should also forget them.

make sense, right?

i don’t know what this person is thinking about, he never talks to me about anything. it it also a sign of love?  if it is, sorry cause i don’t get it at all.

また決めてないけど、i really want to try not see him as much as before.

少なくとも、if chance is allowed, weekdays no, weekends only たまに。

i am soooo nice to him, but i don’t think for 1 second he thought about how i feel and i doubt after the first 3 months he even tried 1 time to do something special for me.  every time is only me me me, try to create chances to be together, so sick and tired of it.

このまま、i think i just have to stop somewhere.

and now, at this moment, i have the shit phone off, どうせ when he is not around, no one called the darn phone, not even ONE message, only junk mails.  now he is back, and i guess i shouldn’t expect much anyway.  cause it always ends with disappointment.  i THOUGHT he would be better, but he is not.

such a cold person, 本当にやた。

鬼唔望我之後兩個禮拜都可以唔理佢，等佢咁得chek，以為我一定鐘意硬佢咁.

鬼唔望我好快有另外鐘意嘅人添丫，而佢又鐘意自己,  perfect !

hate him !

Lady Gaga said once, hoping people will stop being HATERS. but i wonder if she can forgive her former bad bf, for the least she wrote Bad Romance, right?

today i am super angry.

honestly, what type of people not want to see their loved ones right away after a long trip???

um …, maybe someone that do not care/like you that much, or someone that just not worth your liking?  頭に来る！！！

when he is not around for days, i actually got to do things that needs to be done. and surprised how smooth it can be when i had communicate in my 3rd language.

even when he is around, i am lonely, while he is not around, i am even more lonely, but at least, i do not have to be angry.

personally, i really HATE the partner searching / wondering who the next person would be game. but this round i really had it!

he gave me such a SOUR feeling that i hate the MOST in the world !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when he was not in the country, at least i can live peacefully!

crying out loud today i just went to the stupid 市役所 to change my stupid address for the sake of my visa.

you know, i find him SO DARN spoiled by my passion of having him around. his COLD reaction sometimes really pissed me off!  seriously!!!!

i don’t know how much i can hold it but i really i hate it.

it is like this person made me so angry i cannot concentrate on things.

his existence distracts me from working on the things that can decrease my long-term sadness, means, instead of thinking about “playing with him”, maybe i should try to “study”?  so i can progress my crap jap level faster and be in the native level sooner.

what are the source of my SERIOUS sadness everyday? COMMUNICATION!!!!!!!!!!

every shit day there are shit load of words i don’t understand and it is driving me crazy!  and he did nothing to help me.  and i really dislike it for that, too!!!!!!!!!!!!

the above 2 were taken while visiting the balcony floor of a skyscraper in … 三軒茶屋?

sorry i forgot the name.

it was the same place where is the Skycarrot is.

i NEVER get tired of taking picture of this dish.

it is the めぐろ in すきや, but my goodness, never know real fish can taste so delicious! the rice is a bit too fulfilling but it comes with it so no other way.

price is great too, and it comes in FAST.

i LOVE beef, but i also like chicken.

every night i arrive the home station, if it is early enough, before 11pm, and supermarket not yet closed  (yes, everyday i do not get to go home till super late … ><, food store already closed ほど！）i could not help myself from going in because they always have nice sales, before other ppl/competitors snap them from me.

look at the price, 普段 sooooooo expensive no way i will buy! not a good price, but after 50% off, even not as fresh as during the day time, i get to try the taste, there goes my dinner!

i always planned to eat just half, but of course, it never happens.

japan chicken so soft and taste great, not like the US one, shoot!

i think until now, i never see the supermarket sells cooked chicken breast, which can scare ppl enough not to eat chicken again.

just a couple months ago, suddenly 1 day i got fever, i slept all day, the next day i tried to go to work, but … i could not make it. i fell down in the train cause it was SO nauseous and i was too weak, there is a very very sweet lady, while i was on the train’s floor feeling like dying, she kneeled down next to me and pad my back, and strangely it DID help make me feel better! such comfort …

then i was “taken” / “transported” by some very nice young man and took me in to the “resting room” inside the station in 溝の口。i insisted, while i was being transporting, that i want to go back to あざみ野、but he said i looked very sick so i better rest.

and the photo above is the resting room inside the 駅。the service is wonderful, very great, the young man was super super kind and gentle. i could not believe there are such nice people working there …

in japan, you always can be taken by surprise by many things.

in other country, you would have thought, he is just someone working in the station, cannot be this great, but he not only sincere and kind, and he looks great. in here, there seems to be respect for every aspect of the industry. that really is something i admire. such a peaceful country.

just because someone looks great, does not mean he would stop himself from working in the station. or being not respected in any way.

in other country, you probably will never see someone like this working in a station, cause his silly parents or relatives will give him so much social pressure and he will give up.

isn’t that CUTE? carrot is eatable you know, and now it appears in the skyscraper as a … restaurant … ~.~ cute name cute name.

the corner of my room.

i do like the place that i stay, except that i have no 体力 and going to bathroom, shower room … that is already very difficult, and the kitchen … 無理です。

i can only afford to go to the kitchen maybe max. once a week, when i really have to wash something or cut some veggie that i bought during sale.

as you can see, that is the laptop that i use to type my lovely blog.

and the “black” object next to it actually is a PSP. i did not pay for it, i got it from someone that left japan and he obviously rich enough to leave the PSP behind and not care about it …

isn’t the yellow light romantic? i always love it.

i believe this is called 大学いも, interesting name to a foreigner but don’t know why it is named this way. it sure looks great, the gloss actually is a sugar coating, so it is super sweet. not my fav. but very once in a while i am tempted to buy this when it is 50% off, because … it looks good … -__- 弱いね 。。。

THIS, is called non-necessity.

this bowl is actually HUGE! 超 huge, i think i have to force myself to eat it after half is chowed down … this is like for 2 ppl. crazy, why they make 1 bowl of noodle for such a high price but it is just TOO much for female! consider i actually can eat a lot i also cannot be comfortable with swallowing all these.

taste .. ma ma ..

i never go to that restaurant again, of course, even tho super close to work, so is the other one.

there is a restaurant called GUSTO (i think it is called GUSTO Buffet), my goodness, good price, and wonderful good!

you order the steak, for around 1000円, then you can have the salad bar that is full of fresh and delicious veggie and dessert!

the above photo, you can see the whole set, it taste great!

満足できる、full mouth of chicken streak!

in LAWSON convenient store, once in a while they have some program, which allow you to have special products of Relex Kuma, Miffy, and many many other anime or lovely characters, super sweet!!!

if you love cute stuff, this is heaven!

you can pay 500円 and tried a “lottery” thing, and if you are lucky you can a BIG kuma (in the case of Relex Kuma), if you are not very lucky, just like me, you get the above, a towel … ><

not only LAWSON, 7-11 too, SunRus i do not know.

i think this the soba from a very famous but cheap place in Shinjuku, taste great.

and the egg, yes, delicious as always.