nothing is black and white here, things are not easy. you have your dreams and goals, but more than half of the time, it was blurry. due to the negative effects around you and from your own fluctuating emotions due to the hormone problems that i have.

as we all should know, we should NEVER never, try to find satisfaction from another human being, no one, EVEN your lifetime partner, can also let you down.

i know this very well by my very own experience, people that are still fresh with relationships, or people that has higher tolerance or better luck or better personality to be born with, might not be able to agree.

but all the years i have lived, that is very true.

why?

because, we are all imperfect. nothing wrong with it, everybody is like that, right?

no, there is something not right, but i am not going to preach here.

i am asking HIM for the strength, to let go of my easily-being-distracted characters, and just aim on the 2 main things that i want. LET GO.

Please GROW UP and MOVE ON. and ignore the small things once again, back to they way you are decades ago. the habitual thinking of holding on things are just too, way too NOT intellectual.

don’t be like the world.

some friends of mine really good at that, but, of course, u are too freaking nice to ignore these type of shit people, comparing assets and money each other own, and then once in a while, try to be a “curious” person and messaged you and tried to find out, “what are you doing in japan?” “you are rich, aren’t you” shut your filthy mouth, none of your freaking biz anyway.

people, sometimes, really make me sick. they just cannot be honestly when they talk, they cannot leave their life, so they wonder why other people do what they do, but they JUST cannot ask straight, they would just say tons of other shit to irritate you. or, they would say “if it was me, i would have never able to take a year off to do this and that, … cause i have this and that to do … BLAH BLAH BLAH”

whatever.

and my lovely siblings, and my mom, of course, just have their OWN special way to put SALT in my WOUNDS, that is why you LOVE them right? all supportive and shit.

ya.

i don’t know how many years of life i need to spend or take to start appreciating them. nice. very exciting.

sometimes, when bad things happen, when you find no support from family, you will once a gain realize, i really DID stay at a place that has someone that is supposed to be called “family” in there, however, the “feeling of feeling VERY alone, is very strong there. because, you get no good feeling from them, the sad thing is, not that you cannot talk to them, or you guys never has laughters sometimes, but you know, you all are just … very different, i guess, don’t even know how to explain the situation …

GREY, nothing is black and white, that is why it hurts.

that is why you have certain expectations from time to time, but yet, just about 66% of the time, it was SALT on WOUNDS.

on the contrast, i feel SOOOO much better off on a land, once again, just like before in USA, that at first not know a single soul. and now with tons of companions not are blood-related. it is the same theory how since 21, i felt like i have no parents. even when i was like 14, i already felt like i was living under someone else’s roof.

honestly, i know, we all know, it is not up to us to do certain things. but if it is up to me and if i can have full control, i would choose never have to go to a place that have to drive, or a place that does not have the design or anything that can excite me. and have the LEAST EYE SORE.

my freak sibling said, …

“no problem? working? they won’t find you too old? to hire you”

THAT IS NICE~ isn’t it? of course, as usual, i am a dumb shit in responding all my life, when he first said it, i felt nothing, but later, i was like, THAT MAKES NO SENSE! soo unfair! so are you saying the WHOLE staff at your company are only fresh grad and 21? B.S.

to forsake and let go of everything, to leave a comfort zone of more than 10 years of living, is not easy for a normal person, unless you are driven in a corner or something really stimulate you. BUT, many people do not understand. i am not expecting other people to understand this “bold” move, but at least, say LEAST hurt thing can u? esp., once again, my freaking sibling, SIGH!

give me a break, i think it is about my time of the month or something, why i am sooooo pissed off today? GEEZ.

i wish they would QUIT saying shit!

i am too fxxking nice to them, look at them, no progress. NEVER!

recently, there has been some trouble, my car in US is still there, was threatened to get towed one time,   (pretty ridiculous cause once your car is towed, it will take you at least $100-200 to get it back)   and RUSTING. of course, after you left, what you have left there, the storage room, the car, the documents, to have other people occasionally look at those thing for you, it is not going to be easy, for 1, they are not you, people themselves already have enough trouble every day in their life, why would they want to look at other people’s crap? for 2, they don’t know shit about what is going on, it just led to more frustrations on both sides, for 3, they couldn’t care less.

even your own siblings, they will also feel the same way, it hurts but it does. that is why on my msn, the sentence next to my name is “世上沒有任何的成功，能夠彌補家庭的失敗。”

stupid car, i hate driving. call me negative, but i really hate it. i have SOOOOOO much trouble with it, lose so much money, makes your life even more complicated, every day, you are facing the fact that you can get hit anytime, AND, possibly end of in the freaking hospital for absolutely no reason.

and of course, all your freak siblings at that time, instead of maybe, giving you some sympathy about some bad luck, they only blame you for NOT being more careful, or WHY YOU WOULD GOT HIT ANYWAY these dumb xxxx questions.

anyway, today i am DEAD MAD, cause my siblings are already AGES and are still that fxxked up in thinking, honestly, i really have enough.