so recently, i just canNOT take my own poor japanese anymore and has to start some new studying again.

the whole stem comes from the fact that i found it SO waste of my time and energy to get irritated by people that i do not want to see around here, but しようがない、because this very irritating brainless person also lives here. once in a while, you just bump into this creature and this creature will ask you in a very “weird” and
“you don’t know if she is sincere or not tone” and said “元気？”

and asking you questions or in a tone that just assume everyone in this whole wide world has problems 24 hours a day, except her.

so when you are in a good mood and you want to be humble and keep it for yourself instead of like her “always like showing off and think herself a princess or something”, you just wonder how to deal with this situation.

i really wish i can be straight enough and next time when she bump into me again she really can realize i DON’T want to even say “hi” to her anymore. because she is so freaking irritating and such a air-head.

that is why, instead of the whole head being irritated by worthless ppl in your life, the space, that very space in your brain, maybe you should fill it in with some useful Japanese words instead, which, in the future, it sure will come in handy one day, でしょう！

please give me the strength to handle all these crap.

and most of all, recently, i really find myself, especially the heart, so hard to breath, and it is something like a 心絞痛。

sometimes i really do not know how long i can live, and if how long i can live healthily. whenever i am down, i really want to smoke, but my body just not good with it …

and the sad thing is, the person that i want to see the most, i don’t think that he will understand. next time, again, if i not show up on time, and failed to contact him on time, he would just left again, instead of thinking … “maybe this person has encountered some problems …”

そんな考え方ないだよね。悲しい。

my white owl is even cuter.

because i have to do the laundry, and white owl now on my desk, next to my computer, he is SO fat and white. and he really looks like a bird!

how can he be so cute? just like him.

last weekend was a very good one, so happy, could see the person that i want to see the most the whole day, いいじゃん。compare to this  weekend, it really suck all the way.

とにかく、 what can you do? i am not saying it is completely not my fault but no matter what it is the reaction is just a little out of line. instead of thinking i am SO wrong, why can’t the other party think:  maybe she has encountered some type of difficulties?

my goodness, why he is the only one that is the victim there? i tried soooo many ways and so hard without 1 second of stopping just make the machine work so i can see him ASAP and when i went back to my room all i got was just a message saying he was GONE! i could not believe it, i was ALL ready even before i took the darn laundry to the 2 floor because i had been waiting for his call ALL along!

does he even know that?

delicious and not expensive SOBA in shinjuku.

the lovely half-cooked egg.

the other lovely half-cooked egg. wonderful.

the BLACK version of my phone that he took me to get. from shinjuku. it is sooooo interesting, instead of getting a high-tech phone, due to my as-usual bad luck, so my WHITE phone just cannot charge anymore and if i fix the white phone all my messages would be gone, 99% of those are from him of course … and … since the contract is not in my name, so the easiest way is just to get a phone same as my white one so all i have to do just have to put the SIM card into the new one.

i did have the choice to choose a new WHITE one, but, as i wanted as much to forget the luck of the past, i found this BLACK one more appealing and so i picked this instead.

even though it said it is 中古、but it is SO brand-new inside out. it still has all the seal on it. amazing. and i actually find it exciting to seem to have a new phone. and this time, the language i use, is JAPANESE. and there is NO data inside, like a brand new start.

i was down yesterday and i went into the smoking room and bumped into one of my 知り合い friends.

he asked me how i was doing, so i told him まあまあ、he asked what happened and i told him i seemed to have a fight with someone. he asked who, so just not to make things sound worse i answered 知り合い. then he asked if it is a guy or a girl and i told him it is a male.

he also asked if my job is 順調。after a while, i told him it is 順調。

then i told him, “but i am just very 貧乏＞＜ !!!”

then he told me, “everyone is.”

so i told him how crazy that my account only had ¥2000 at one point.

the very first time, he told me this, “my DAD used to be …..”

honestly, i didn’t completely get what he was trying to tell me, due to my limited understanding of japanese, but i think, he was trying to tell me how his DAD also used to be very poor and could not get a driver’s license or something … yes, he was telling me about his dad …

and, he told me, 羨ましい、because i can speak 3 languages, he said, “自分の世界を広げる”.

but i told him, “you also have 技術。”

he then said, “even 料理 that they cook over there are also 技術だよ”.

yesterday, after what he told me, my mood did get a little more “up”, because, my world has always been kind of small, because the happiness that i want, also is small. however, 世界を広げるって、makes me realize how poor my Japanese is once more, he actually gave me a little incentive to try to learn even when i am down, and … i wish i can understand his language more. their way of thinking, is kind of different and interesting. but due to my poor japanese, i am not able to fully understand the messages around.

sometimes i wonder, how to keep happiness to stay and never let it slip. why is it always SO difficult to make things last forever? no matter what it is.

crying out loud i don’t even know how long i can stay on this silly earth, so years ago, i decided, “i would like to xxxxx before i die”.

不在乎天長地久，只在乎曾經擁有。

i can never dispute this idea. i found it very right, and i found it very true.

however, recently, as i grow EVEN older, i find out something else.

even if you have finally achieved what you have always wanted/dreamed of since a you were a child, after your satisfaction has been fulfilled quite a bit, regarding how difficult or how much it has cost, it all comes down to one conclusion … this is not right, … cause, it does not seem to last.

this is not good, if does not last, that would mean, as time goes by, what you have now, will be gone one day, or, in some worse cases, SOON. soon it will be gone.

how to keep happiness and satisfaction LAST, the best would be, last till the day you die.

A few days ago, Steve Jobs passes away. I was very shocked. It feels so sudden. Never thought it would happen so suddenly, maybe because his real health situation had always not been quite public.

Anyway, the thing is, the day we got the news, 社長 came in and asked if I have listened to his 2005 commencement speech in Stanford.

He so wanted me to hear about it, even when I was working. So I listened.

90% of the thing Steve said, I agree. cause I DID experience it, but of course, compare to Steve, my scale is a lot A LOT smaller. cause my goal is not to be the CEO of a company.

and there is also one thing he said that really hit me:

Even those who are Christians, they do not want to die to get to heaven.

THAT, just cannot be truer.

i know EXACTLY what he meant by it.

i sort of knew this feeling before, and so are many of the ones out there, but to summarize this very thought in ONE sentence, that is amazing.

i wish he just message me now. that is a temp. relief.

for the rest, i just have to figure out, somehow, someway, how to keep things “LAST”.