この世に、二人が一緒にいる時楽しいなんて、こんなこと、あまりそんなたくさんじゃないと思う。家族とか、友達とか、特に恋人。

ドキドキの感覚があれば、それはもちろんボナスと思うけど、私は最初からもドキドキの感覚がなくても、この一年間嬉しいと思う。理由は、恋愛の関係は、最初どんなたくさんドキドキがあっても、いつか、きっとだんだん少なくとも少なくなるはず。べつに悪いことと思わない。

自分と超似合う人がいるはず、一秒でも思わない。でも、８０−９０％くらいでもいいじゃないのかなぁと思ってしまう。

人間は生まれてからもう別々の個体で、性格、習慣、育て来た環境、言葉、色々全く違うし、二人が一緒にいる時、問題が現せる時、ちゃんと厳しく詳しくて話さずに、お互いに教えてくれないと、関係が良くなると思えません。

この世に７兆の総人口の中で、君と出会ってお互いに好きになって、あなたは、それでも珍しいと思わないのかなぁ 。。。偶然だけってと思うのかなぁ 。。。簡単に捨てても構わないと思うのかなぁ 。。。

時間はいつも私の天敵である存在している、多分私だけではなく、皆も、いつも一番嬉しくて幸せ時間に止めることができません。

一生できません。

生きていてから今まで、苦しい度に、何回も繰り返してアノ一番幸せ時に戻せばいいなぁと思ってしまう。何故か嬉しい時間はいつも短いんだろう？

昔、何でも分からなかった時代に、何でも満足できなかった時代に、 幸せとは一応試して、とても素晴らしくて、短くても嬉しいことだ、それもう十分の幸せだと思ってしまいました。短い嬉しさは幸せと思ってしまいました。

違います。もの凄く。

もっと生きてきて、それくらいようやく分かってきた。

短い嬉しさは、どれくらい素晴らしくても、幸せとは言えません。本当の嬉しさは、毎日幸せと思うそういうことです。

普通けれど、幸せなんてそんなことがあります。

この頃、今幸せと思う人が絶対にいるはず。

ただ、今の私は、幸せなんて全く言えません。

ずっとどうやって長く時間そんな気持ちを掴むことを考えていたけど、最近は絶対あのゴールまで、モット遠くなってしまう。

私の一部の大げさの性格のセイで、遠くなってしまう。

許してくれないのかなぁ。

軽く遊び言葉と気持ちをしなく、相手のことをリスペクトして普通の人間としてもう一度 。。。

映画 Matrix の中で、一つの言葉は　” この世界は、悲しさがなし、嬉しさもなし、でもこんな世界は、人間がいられない、全員はすぐ死んでしまいました。”

昔の私にとって、この言葉が響けなかった。

昔の超嬉しさと超悲しさを受けてしまった私は、この言葉の本当の意味が分からなかった。９０％の嬉しさを受けたら、きっと９０％の悲しさを待ってる。

今から、生きてるため３０％の二つを受けても大丈夫かなぁ、君と一緒かぎり。。。

he always wonders why, …

… why i always take so many photos,

because no one ever knows, when i will have the chance to see this again; and even though u go there again, the person next to you can also never be the same.

PLUS, my memory is poor.  見られないと覚えられない。

all these are from Disney Sea last year. the beginning of Jan.

you might find it very strange, how come all these photos,
not one picture with the person that i went with,
yes, i intentionally did not take his photo.
i have 10,000 of the above, but not 1 he was in it.

一年だけ、たくさん変わってきた。

何故だのかなぁ〜

今、逆に、

相手は think it is 重い, but isn’t it that he just took it too seriously?

long time ago, one friend used to tell me …

“do you realize that, people do not know if you ARE joking, or you ARE NOT …”

that was a surprise, i never know people not know, i thought it was OBVIOUS when i was kidding / exaggerating …

same here, in order to try to make the other party feel good, at first i tried to say all the things that gives him 自信、安心、好きになりたかったですから、だんだん、もっと慣れてきて、言葉もっとおおげさになって、わがままみたいになって 。。。

何故か好きになりたかったんだろう？

私の人生の中でけっこう一番落ち込んでいた時、彼は現せて、he brings a little color and brought me to see things i always have wanted to see, … even though i do admit at that time, i really wished it were someone else, but later on, だんだん感動してきた 。。。

だから、later on, i also want to show my appreciation by doing something, and that is … by telling him things i thought that would make him feel good, would make him not to worry about how i feel about him, to make him feel someone cares about him …

( でも、そんなこと、本当に永遠のことですか？

明らかでしょう？しばらくのことなんて、

這些都是，日子久了，就不需要再說的東西。だんだん, 我也會覺得說也沒趣, but when i realized maybe i needed more time to spend on my own thing, when i tried to stop mailing for a while, someone stopped me earlier than i stopped myself from these habits … )

but i was wrong, males obviously do not need that even from the beginning …

大げさな言葉、役に立たない 。。。

大げさな行動、実は面白くない 。。。

面白いと思ってたのに、実は相手にとって、面白くなかった。

それは、本当にすみません。誤解しましたのね。

私も相手に誤解された。

the way he said things to me, it just like how my ex. was right before he left me.

ただ、it was in a much smaller scale. because the years were also much fewer.

i do not think for one moment it is only temp., because once someone is not around for ANY reasons, and refused to EVEN work it out with me gradually/seriously, sit down, talk like an adult, and tell me he wants to fix our relationship, so it can last longer, but instead, he just told me what he wants and left.

i do not think for one moment it is only temp., because even though when he come back in the future, how can you possibly like him remembering what he did to you this time?

he obviously gave you no chance and not care about how you feel, right?

how sad and disappointed.

if he does not come up with this conclusion all by himself, i don’t know what type of silly friends he has been hanging around with, but obviously they are not telling him anything constructive.

how wasteful, if you are still happy with someone, why not sit down and talk seriously and try to work it out?

isn’t that childish not to even know how to do this?

if you really do not care, you might as well said,
“今から、私たち一生会わなくてもいいです。一生一緒のチャンスが絶対ないですから。no matter what your reasons are for your behavior, whether they are only temp. or long-term, i have no interests in knowing why, or trying to let you fix it. because i have absolutely no interests in you and just want to give you up.”

それでいいんじゃない？

私は今までも恋愛のことまだ全くわかりません。

so i did some research online (日本語で), 初めて日本語で恋愛の悩みのため …

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

… こういうタイプの男性は追われると逃げたくなる人ではないでしょうか。

( まぁ … 男だけじゃないのかなぁ、… i think this whole world, if you treat someone too nice, they will use that and 逆に be not nice to you … except me. however, too bad, in this world, no one really values me in that way, that is why i am always so alone … )

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

… 追えば男は女を捨てて逃げる！

( interesting comment … i guess i am too easy, 追われても too lazy to 逃げる, 必要がないし、と思ってね … まぁ、私は残念ですけど、男じゃないからさ )

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

… ＞重い
この言葉を言う人とは残念ながら将来はないと思う

(でも、私べつに将来のこと考えていないけど…, 結婚なんても興味もないし, but if the author meant, any boyfriend, if they say 重い to their girlfriend, this guy is just a person that wants no responsibility = they will be around when you are healthy, they will disappear when you are sick … then, i think i might have to rethink about something … )

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

なのに、なんで。。。なんで思わなかったこと言われたのかなぁ。。。

turns out, after he said something shocking to me on SUN night (Jan 29), i got so shocked and weak, the whole night i could not sleep, shivering and crying all night, thinking we are no more. my heartbeat went super fast and i woke up after only 2-3 hours of sleep and could not go back to sleep again. my roommate said … 罪深いって。。。一生忘れない。。。

MON, i took one day off. PM went to immigration to renew my visa. i was so sad while i was in the immigration. last year, when i had no real job, i was so grateful that the boy, who i just started being with, cared so much about my staying here or not. 感動した。 now, this year when i was in immigration, he did not even know that i was there (in immigration), i doubt if he even care if i can stay in japan or not now …

TUE, i went to work and my boss told me to see the doctor. and on the way to the clinic i already knew i got something … when i arrived i felt fever already … chill all over my body … in the clinic, the nurses told me, “インフルエンザでしたって”, i was super shocked, after all, i took the vaccine だよ！2000円で、勿体ない！the doctor said i belonged to the 60% that does not help even took the 注射。

but thanks to the sickness, i could finally sleep and stopped the shock from him for 1 night. cause my head hurt so bad i could not think of anything.

WED, THUR (today) stay home, … only later today i could go convenience store to buy tofu and more lotion tissues.

◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎

i was so hurt and sick there were 4 days i could not eat anything …

but luckily, i bought mineral water from the Amazon Japan for the first time last week, who would have known, this week, turns out i can drink HALF the box of the NATURAL MINERAL WATER … from Italy, without them i have no water in my room and had to walk far away to boil water and wait and boil more … and spread my germs while my body was so weak … not a good idea, right?

sigh. なぜか、私が辛い時、いつもそばに誰もいないのかなぁ〜

べつに、誰かいれば助かると思わないけど、でも、一番気になる人はいつも自分の悩みとか分からなくて、なんか寂しくてガッカリする気持ち堪らなく。。。